That is so incredibly sad and maddening to think about.
Very similar is a recent experience that left me feeling very embarrassed about my faith. I guess it helped me leave though, along with several other incidences.
My grandma died in good standing, having been very sick for several years, yet when it came time for a service the elder called said they could only do some sort of very simple service and definitely no meal afterwards since one of her daughters who was disfellowshipped would be there.
My aunt, who is handicapped and living at home, said she didn't even think of asking them for a meal, that she just wanted to do the right thing by her mom and have a nice service. She asked him what the disfellowshipped daughter had to do with anything since it was a funeral for her mom. She was so shocked by the lack of love and support that she didn't really know how to react. Her exact words were, "I was afraid that by calling the witnesses that they would want to do too much and bombard us or soemthing, I didn't expect this"
My grandfather was so upset when he saw her looking humiliated while on the phone that he said they didn't want it at the hall anyhow.
It took the morning of the service for that elder to grudgingly apologize (this was after several phone calls from relatives and friends about where they should send flowers).
Too little too late if you ask me. Nobody except one older lady that had been friends with her showed up at the house and the other elders used the "don't let one man stumble you" excuse when they showed up. (where were they the other days when she and grandpa were trying to prepare the arrangements?)
My grandpa told them (being distraught, you don't cross the man) that if they ever showed their faces on his property again that they would be meeting his fist in their face. Actually, he said worse, but it's too bad to put in words for me. ;-)
I used to constantly worry about what would happen to my nonjw husband if he died. Would I try to get the elders to talk at his funeral? Would I let his mom insist on a Catholic funeral? So many things like that to think about.
That poor woman though. To not have the support of her kids, dfd or not, was evil. To dismiss her feelings to keep up the right appearance and to obey their traditions and rules is pure evil. It makes me very sick to think of how I could possibly have ever believed they were God's chosen people. UGGH